Lia Miller, M.A., MPA, MSW, is a freelance writer, foreign service officer, and clinically trained social worker. She has a master's degree in Public Administration and a master's degree in International Relations, both from Syracuse University, and a third master's degree in Social Work from Columbia University.
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We've all been there. Someone's friend or family member passes away, and we want to be supportive and show understanding. But we don't know exactly what to say or what to do, and we're left feeling awkward and a bit stuck.
It can be challenging to know just what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, but most people who have experienced a death appreciate hearing from friends and loved ones. We spoke with grief experts whose advice can help us find the right words to write heartfelt sympathy notes and condolence messages.
A condolence message can take many forms but is understood to be an expression of sympathy when someone dies. Letting a person who has just experienced a loss know that you are thinking of them in their time of need and that you care often means a great deal.
There is no social rule about who can send a condolence message. If you are close with the bereaved, are only an acquaintance, and even when you don't know the relatives but knew the deceased, sending a condolence message is an appropriate way to convey your sympathy and is a thoughtful way to show you care.
Depending on how close you are to the person experiencing the loss, condolence messages are usually sent as soon as you learn about the death of their loved one. However, it is also appropriate to send a condolence message within a few days of the memorial service or funeral.
The best time to reach out will depend on your relationship, according to both licensed psychologist Laura Louis, Ph.D., and grief and trauma therapist Ajita Robinson, Ph.D., LCPC.
"Are you a close friend who was notified directly? In that case, reaching out and showing up is appropriate in most instances because the relationship already makes room for this level of 'presence' or involvement," says Robinson. Louis says you can and should reach out immediately when you first find out the loss has occurred. They may or may not respond right away, but they'll know you're there for them.
Louis also recommends reaching out a few weeks after the loss has occurred or a few weeks after the funeral. "As a psychologist, I find that the weeks and months after the funeral is oftentimes when people need the most support because at that point most family and friends have left town," she tells mbg.
"Most importantly, when you reach out, try to understand that the bereaved person(s) is not obligated to respond," Robinson adds. "They are overwhelmed and may not have words to describe what they are feeling or what they need."
What kind of condolence messages are acceptable to send, and in what way? Is calling appropriate, is texting too informal, or do we send a traditional condolence card? The short answer is, there is no right or wrong way to send a condolence message if the message is heartfelt and supportive.
"Methods of reaching out depend on the level of closeness of the relationship," Louis says.
The general "when and how" to reach out goes like this: If you are a family member or close friend, call or text immediately, and then visit the bereaved at home and either stay with them for as long as you can or be in touch on a daily basis.
If you are social friends or acquaintances who aren't as close, send an email or a text as soon as you find out and reach out again after the "business" of the funeral has ended. If you are work colleagues or knew the deceased but not the relatives, you can send an email or traditional handwritten note or condolence card as soon as you learn of the passing.
According to Robinson, the method of sharing your condolence message is less important than the expectations we have around it and what we say and do when we communicate. "If someone is in the immediate aftermath of a loss, they may not be available (mentally or physically) to answer phone calls, and it certainly is not a time to ask questions that haven't readily been answered such as 'what happened,'" she says.
There are different kinds of condolence messages for different situations. For instance, what you write in a sympathy note to someone who has lost a friend will differ from the condolence message you write for someone who has lost a family member or partner. The message will also differ depending upon who the recipient is in relation to you.
Below, Robinson and Louis breakdown some examples of where to start your condolence messages and some actions you can take depending upon the situation.
For loved ones who find strength in their faith, it can be useful to find passages from religious texts or prayers for healing and recovery in light of a tragedy.
Try to avoid saying "call me if you need me" or "what do you need" because the bereaved will not ask for your help, Louis says. Instead, show your love by giving specific offers:
"The key to offering help is that it needs to be practical and doesn't add another task to the bereaved person's plate," Robinson adds. "Generic statements like 'I am here if you need anything' forces the bereaved person to make yet another decision that they likely won't have the capacity for."
"It is important to manage our expectations when we are reaching out to someone who is grieving," says Robinson. She says it's important not to get upset with them if they don't respond to your condolence message, respond in a timely manner, or if their response isn't aligned with what you were expecting.
Remind the bereaved person of what the person they lost stood for, their values, and the lessons they learned from them, says Louis, and encourage them to hold on to those things. Their lost loved one will continue to live on through them.
Keep in mind that messages are not always verbal. Behaviors can speak volumes, such as holding your friend's hand. Sleeping over can also be helpful, especially in situations where this may be the first time they have slept alone.
Robinson recommends trying to avoid making generic offers like "call me if you need me" or "what do you need?"—because they likely will not ask for anything. When a friend is depressed, they may not have the energy for completing basic tasks, but at the same time, they likely don't want to be a burden or even know what to ask for, Robinson explains. That means, as a concerned friend who wants to help, it's important to be proactive with providing support instead of waiting to be asked, she says.
Offer specifics, Louis recommends, like bringing over food or groceries. Go over to do their laundry. Ask if they'd like you to sleep over for a night or two.
When a person is grieving, especially when they first experience loss, their emotions will be all over the map; they may be fine one moment, and the next they are overcome by emotions. This is all part of the normal grieving process. The best thing you can do is to support them through the emotional highs and lows and give them the space to experience and express a full range of emotions.
It is best to avoid giving advice about what a grieving person "should or shouldn't do" in the situation. Advice during times of acute emotional distress, though nearly always well intentioned, sometimes has the unexpected outcome of making the bereaved person feel worse. A more effective approach would be to let them know you recognize their loss and you support how they feel and whatever actions they need to take to heal on their terms.
Sometimes the best and only thing you can offer to someone who is grieving is a listening ear, says Louis. Assure the person that it is OK to talk about their feelings. Although you cannot erase the pain of their loss, you can provide a great deal of comfort just listening.
"While grief is universal, our expression and experience is individual and unique to each of us. We want to be mindful not to try to 'move' people along in their grief," Robinson advises. "Grief is a lifelong journey, which we often revisit because of holidays, anniversaries, and other milestone events. We never really move on from grief; instead, we learn to move forward with it."
"Just be there," says Louis. "Sometimes people think they need to have the right thing to say. You don't always need to talk. Sometimes your presence is enough."
There is no timeline for grief. People who are grieving need time to heal, so be patient and encouraging, and most importantly, be there.
There are things you should not say in a sympathy card and subjects you will want to avoid. Even though well meaning, sometimes certain sentiments will backfire and not be taken as intended. Our experts offer some specific examples of language to avoid, including:
Writing condolence messages can be challenging when you are confronted with loss, pain, grief, and other difficult emotions. But these heartfelt messages are an effective way to show the people in your life that you are there for them and that you care about them. Feeling uplifted and supported by friends and family is often the first step on the path toward healing and learning to move forward after a loss.